We all get angry. Anger is like our body's internal clock setting off an alarm that something or someone has knocked us off center. Anger is almost always a mask for other unidentified, and often uncomfortable, feelings. More times than not, anger can be a cover for embarrassment, vulnerability, shame, fear, or sadness. For many, getting angry is easier than allowing one's self to feel sad. To acknowledge that we have been hurt by others, that our hearts are wounded, and that we are, in fact, grief-stricken can be overwhelming.
As the grief and loss festers unresolved, our frustration-tolerance levels are lowered, and we are more easily agitated, quick-tempered and fast to explode in a rage. What the "rage" is really allowing us to do is to release some of the sadness inside. But, because we are really more sad than angry, the emotional release feels less than genuine, unsatisfying. In fact, it can startle and confuse us. We soon find ourselves asking: "Why did I do that"? or "Why am I so angry"?
As a society, we do a lousy job of appreciating true sadness. Sad people are seen as weak, undesirable and incapable of pulling themselves together. Conversely, angry people are often seen as strong, determined and unbreakable. I am reminded of the lyrics from the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.:
As the grief and loss festers unresolved, our frustration-tolerance levels are lowered, and we are more easily agitated, quick-tempered and fast to explode in a rage. What the "rage" is really allowing us to do is to release some of the sadness inside. But, because we are really more sad than angry, the emotional release feels less than genuine, unsatisfying. In fact, it can startle and confuse us. We soon find ourselves asking: "Why did I do that"? or "Why am I so angry"?
As a society, we do a lousy job of appreciating true sadness. Sad people are seen as weak, undesirable and incapable of pulling themselves together. Conversely, angry people are often seen as strong, determined and unbreakable. I am reminded of the lyrics from the song "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.:
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
Perhaps, if we cherished the wide range of human emotion more, and did a better job at recognizing that all people experience sadness, we might actually have less anger in the world. While anger is justified on many occasions, and is also part of the wide spectrum of human feeling, anger can boil over into atrocious behavior. If at the heart of this anger and behavior is really a need to cry, be comforted, and acknowledged, than we need to allow ourselves permission to be sad, and to explore our grief and loss when appropriate. As the song goes, everybody hurts.
Be kind to yourself and to each other.
© Copyright 2013 Douglas Layer, LMHC
Be kind to yourself and to each other.
© Copyright 2013 Douglas Layer, LMHC
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